right person, wrong time

i don’t know if it’s because it’s february or i spent valentine’s day single yet once again, like i always have for the last 24 consecutive years, but i have been thinking about love a lot these days. while i have been okay with being single on valentine’s day, this year, i found myself craving someone to pour all my love into. it didn’t matter how many self-help podcasts and books i read on how to be happy single, my heart wanted what it wanted.

don’t get me wrong, i am a hopeless romantic – i write poems about people i make eye contact with once. i think of people when i see a book they might like on the bookshelf of a library. i practically inhale love like it’s air.

however, this year felt different. where i used to be hopeful about love where my soul, once eager for the warmth, now shivered in disbelief. lately, it seems like the love that i want is unattainable. what i desire doesn’t feel like it is out there looking for me, and as per our human nature, the more unattainable something is, the more we want it.

every potential prospect feels like a remanding cycle of disappointment. no matter who it is, the patterns are the same – meet, talk daily, share the deepest secrets, and when it’s time to progress into a commitment - the answer is always, “i just don’t know i am ready right now maybe if i met you at a different time…” it’s like when you apply for a full-time job but only get hired as an on-call employee.

it’s never yes or no; it’s a definitive maybe. i am a victim of the “maybe(s)” aka situationships.

i had this friend – let’s call her marsha.

marsha was seeing this guy, hunter, for 10 months. during those 10 months, hunter and marsha continued going on dates, making memories and doing everything that a person in a relationship would do. however, marsha and hunter were not in a relationship, despite hunter telling marsha that he loved her.

one day marhsa finally confronted him, and hunter told her that he was not ready for a relationship at that point.

marhsa was broken-hearted and she came and told me that he was the right person, it was just the wrong time.

after 2-3 months, hunter got a new girlfriend.

which leads me to the question, “does right person, wrong time exist?”

the answer is no. i never believed this. if you met the right person, you would get ready for it. there would be no force on earth that could stop you from wanting to be with that person.

but i also wonder if i meet the right person at a bad time in my life, would that relationship be successful? am i just supposed to let that person go because the timing is not right, or do i make the time right because they are the right person?

why must i pick one or the other? why can’t i collectively work on the timing and be with this right person?

if the relationship is something we both can grow with, even if the timing isn’t ideal, would that be a selfish thing to want?

what i have found most is that while practicing self-love, we have become too selfish. we do not feel like it’s worth making the effort to work through those challenges, knowing that it might take time and patience in a relationship. we expect things to be perfect from the start, without hardships and problems.

maybe that’s why people put other people in these maybe- (s): because they are so selfish that they keep them around to fill the void until someone right comes along. you are not bad for not wanting to be with this person, you are bad for making this person feel like you want to be with them.

whether it be a job, a person or a place, letting go has never been my strength. i mold misfit pieces, forcing them to fit, chasing belonging in places that never held space for me. i continue to linger where i feel unwelcomed, whispering my worth into the silence, hoping one day, it will echo back.

i keep making time for the wrong person, maybe because it feels familiar. we talk, we intertwine souls, and then, as always, they won’t be ready. years later, they return—grateful, reflective—thanking me for teaching them what love is. but i already knew how it would end. i always do.

and yet, despite knowing that someone who doesn’t want what i want can never give me the love i deserve, i hesitate. not because i don’t see the truth, but because moving on means stepping into the unknown, and in that unknown, i don’t believe anyone is waiting—no love vast enough to hold me, no arms eager to stay.

maybe hunter was the right person to show marhsa that he was the wrong person for her.

marhsa currently is in a happy relationship with a man who is right for her.